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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25686859">cOULDN'T KILL YOU WHEN IT MATTERED,,, gUESS THIS WILL HAVE TO DO</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacekidmax/pseuds/spacekidmax'>spacekidmax</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(sort of), Abusive Relationships, Angst and Tragedy, Asshole Vriska Serket, But more like abusive friendships, Character Death, Character Study, Exploration of abusive dynamics, Gen, I hate formatting Pesterchum/Trollian text so goddamn much but here we are I guess, I'm not much of a Vriska hater I just thought this would be an interesting story, Mental Breakdown, Murder, Murdering your friends as a fresh and funky past time, Neither happy nor unhappy ending I suppose, None of these are real tags but I think they should be so I'm adding them anyway, Or whatever the hell it is that Tavros and Vriska are, Reaching the breaking point, So so much Pesterchum formatting, Taking canon and flipping it like Terezi's fate coin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:34:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,511</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25686859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacekidmax/pseuds/spacekidmax</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of what could've happened if Tavros had realized just *how* much of a bad guy Vriska was when he decided he needed to stop her, and took a moment to reflect on what that meant. Or, in more basic terms, what if Tavros had killed Vriska instead of the other way around?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes, Tavros Nitram &amp; Vriska Serket</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>cOULDN'T KILL YOU WHEN IT MATTERED,,, gUESS THIS WILL HAVE TO DO</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="tavros">AT: oKAY, tHEN,<br/>
AT: aLL OF YOUR USUAL INSULTING THINGS ASIDE, mY TAKE ON THIS IS,<br/>
AT: tHAT YOU CREATED OUR IMPOSSIBLY HARD BAD GUY, wHO WANTS TO KILL US,<br/>
AT: aND BY ASSOCIATION, i GUESS THAT MAKES,<br/>
AT: yOU THE BAD GUY TOO,<br/>
AT: iNSTEAD OF A GOOD GUY WHO'S JUST MEAN,</span><br/>
<span class="vriska">AG: Nice deduction!<br/>
AG: Wrong, excruci8tingly linear, and laced with the sort of a8solutes morons like to throw around........<br/>
AG: 8ut nice!</span><br/>
<span class="tavros">AT: aND THAT BEING THE CASE,<br/>
AT: eVEN THOUGH i'M TERRIFIED OF YOU,<br/>
AT: aND nOT AS STRONG,<br/>
AT: oR REAL CONFIDENT,<br/>
AT: oNLY MOSTLY FAKE CONFIDENT,</span><br/>
<span class="vriska">AG: Yeeeeeeees?<br/>
AG: Go on.</span><br/>
<span class="tavros">AT: i THINK,<br/>
AT: i AM GOING TO HAVE TO STOP YOU,</span><br/>
<span class="vriska">AG: Yeah! That's the spirit.<br/>
AG: Pretty weakslime threat there, 8ut it's a start.<br/>
AG: Tell you what.<br/>
AG: If you can find me in this la8, you can have at me.<br/>
AG: I'll even give you a free shot! No funny 8usiness or anything.</span><br/>
<span class="tavros">AT: oK,<br/>
AT: tHEN,<br/>
AT: hERE i COME,</span><br/>
<span class="vriska">AG: I'll 8e w8ing. &lt;3</span><br/>
</p>
<p>Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you have just realized that this entire time, you have been wrong about Vriska. You always thought that as horrible as everything she’s ever said or done to you has been, she really did mean for it to help you. She had to make you see how broken, how useless, how wrong and weak and stupid you are, so that you can change for the better. It just made sense. She has done more to tear down your self-confidence than anyone else, but it’s all been under the guise of making you stronger. Or so she’s said. </p>
<p>You’d followed her every instruction, because all this help she’s been providing, that she’s been complaining about having to give you, well, it had to start working sometime, right? If you just kept trying, no matter how many times you screw everything up, you’ve got to do something right eventually. And then you’d be good enough. Good enough for her, for the team, to make a difference, to help defeat Bec Noir. So you kept trying, kept taking every criticism to heart, because no matter how much it hurt, you truly believed she was making you stronger. And you almost thought you’d finally had a good idea. An idea that could actually help the team.</p>
<p>But then she tore you down yet again when she found about your plans, telling you that your idea of taking control of Jade’s lusus was just a sad imitation of all she’s done. She told you all about how she’s spent all this time building up Bec Noir just so she could take him down herself. Bec Noir, who’s caused so much death and destruction. Bec Noir, who is the chief bad guy in pretty much every regard. And Vriska… helped him? It doesn’t make sense. Everything you thought you knew about Vriska pointed to her doing what she thought was best for you, for the team as a whole. But this? This is just narcissism, the actions of a person that cares about no one but themself and their glory. </p>
<p>And this is also the breaking point where you start to realize that Vriska isn’t just harsh but well-meaning. No, she’s the bad guy here. Which means maybe, this entire time, she hasn’t been trying to help you. Maybe she’s just been mean because you were the only one who’d let her walk all over you. You think back to the conversation you just had with her. She told you everything about you makes her sick. That you’re completely useless. That you’re an insignificant, stuttering piece of trash. Those aren’t things that could help you. Those aren’t words that will make you stronger. They’re just… insults, meaningless, hurtful ones. She’s been saying these things to you for years, pretty much every time the two of you have spoken. She’d never miss an opportunity to remind you of your faults. And that’s not helpful, just upsetting. You can’t believe you never realized that until now.</p>
<p>But if she wants to be the bad guy, if she wants to be self-serving, if she wants to show her true colors, then maybe you will too. She thinks she’s so smart, that she has her hands in everything, that she’s destined to be the hero of the story, make the bad guy so she can be the one to kill him. But that doesn’t make her the hero, that just makes her a bad guy herself. And if you’re the only one who knows that, well, then it’s your job to take her down before she can cause any more harm.</p>
<p>She’s always said that you could’ve gained real confidence if you’d killed her back when she needed you to in order to achieve godhood, but since you didn’t, you just doomed yourself to cowardice. Well, if she’d wanted you to kill her so badly, then maybe you should do something that would make her proud for once and do it. So you tell her that no matter how much she scares you, you’re coming to take her down. She doesn’t believe that you could, replies tauntingly that she’ll give you a free shot. </p>
<p>You feel something fracture deep within you. And suddenly, you’re not scared anymore. You’ve been terrified of her for your entire life, but this is it, isn’t it? She’s finally broken you. Cracked you open like one of her eight balls, and now all of the fear is pouring out of you like the blue chemical liquid within them. Like you are just another one of her toys. But no more. You’ve been putting up with her abuse for so many years, and you’re done. </p>
<p>She has been destroying you from the inside out for so long, leaving you an empty husk without you even knowing it. You’ve been desperately trying to fill yourself back up with false confidence, but she wouldn’t even let you have that. Instead, she just had to rip your shell right open, let you see the way she’s leeched all of your insides out. Fine, then. So you’re empty. Big deal. You’ll use it to your advantage. Weaponize this newfound lack of emotion. Use it to take her down.</p>
<p>You can finally see the bigger picture now. You were always just a plaything to her, someone to string along with insults and promises of maybe one day being good enough. But you never would be, not in her eyes. It wouldn’t matter if you did do everything right, there’d still be something she would find to criticize, because she would never let her little game end. Wouldn’t dream of letting you win when you’re this much fun to play with. So now you have to end it yourself. Because that’s the only way out. </p>
<p>You take your lance out of a storage chest. She always used to make fun of how your hands shook when you held it, how you, always the pacifist, feared death and killing to an extent unbefitting of a troll. Your hands aren’t shaking anymore. They are deadly still. </p>
<p>You stand up. Take a deep breath. You are going to kill her, plain and simple. Either that, or she is going to kill you. You start down the stairs. Against all odds, you are not afraid- of dying or killing her. If you told her that she would laugh at you. She probably is laughing at you right now. It is not confidence fueling you, real or false. It is just a grim sense of determination. It feels like your entire life has lead up to this moment, and you are either going to succeed or fail, that's that. It almost doesn’t matter either way, but the only thing that spurs you onward is how much more damage Vriska could cause to the team if left unchecked the way she is now.</p>
<p>You reach the bottom of the stairs. A calm envelops you. If you die today, if Vriska kills you before you kill her, then that’s just what fate has in store for you. You cannot bring yourself to care about your possible impending demise. It will either happen, or it won’t. There is no use in being afraid, even though it is what you have been your entire life. You are <em>done</em> being afraid. It is time for action.</p>
<p>You enter Vriska’s room. She is standing wide open with a grin on her face. She has confidence on her side, she believes that there is no way she could die at the hands of a weakling such as yourself. She does not know that you are done with believing yourself a weakling. Done believing yourself anything, good or bad. You just are. She over-exaggeratedly makes a thumbs down gesture at you. You stare at her with nothing but pure apathy. You are here to complete a task, fulfill your purpose. That is all. </p>
<p>Undeterred she holds up your severed legs with a grin and a finger drawn across her throat. She is taunting you, attempting to enrage you, throw you off balance. It does not work. You see a flash of confusion on her face, and you almost feel like you could smile. She is so seldom confused, so often the one being confusing. But she did not take into account that everyone has a breaking point, and this is yours.</p>
<p>You charge. Your mind and body are for once completely focused on one thing- driving your lance straight through her chest. And so that’s just what you do. </p>
<p>Her face contorts in fear and surprise as she crumples to the ground. She was not expecting this. She was so sure you would fail, you would mess up, that your blow would miss her somehow. She had luck on her side, she knew out of the two of you, she had to be the killer here. But it appears her luck has finally run out, as blue blood pours from the gaping wound in her chest. Now, perhaps, she is the toy, her cerulean the same as that within the eight-balls she held so dear. She stares at you in delirious shock from the floor. You kneel down next to her for no reason other than it feels as if it is what you should be doing. Her body shudders, and her eyes close. You wait. You are not free yet, for she is a god, and will not die so easily. She must first be judged.</p>
<p>Then it appears over her head. “Just.”</p>
<p>She is dead.</p>
<p>You fall to a sitting position next to the body. You had expected to feel something- rage how easily she fell after doing so much damage to you over the years, regret at murdering one who you for so long considered a friend, guilt for doing the gruesome deed at all. But you’re just empty. There’s not even any satisfaction. You stand, wrenching the lance out of her body. It is covered in blue blood. You watch the droplets fall to the floor. You suppose the next step is to inform the others of what you’ve done. You had not considered their reaction before committing the act, not considered anything at all beyond this, but they will understand. If not now, then eventually.</p>
<p>You leave the room without any further thought, robotically heading for the nearest transportalizer. The lance drags behind you, creating a trail of blue blood. You wonder when you will feel anything about what you have just done. You wonder if you will ever feel anything again. You do not know the answer. </p>
<p>You transportalize up to the main lab. Kanaya and Karkat are talking by one of the computers. He sounds angry about something, and you hear Terezi’s name from his mouth. This is nothing new. He is always angry. You do not know if he will be angry that you have killed Vriska, but you do not think you could even care if he was. The two of them do not notice your entrance. On the other side of the room, Feferi and Sollux are cuddled up together on the horn pile, the picture of matesprits. You don’t know when that happened. They seem to be caught up in their own little world, whispering to each other. They also do not notice your entrance.</p>
<p>You step off the transportalizer and drop your lance to the floor, letting it clatter loudly. That gets everyone’s attention.</p>
<p>
  <span class="tavros">i KILLED vRISKA.</span><br/>
</p>
<p>Your voice is flat, so unlike the constant nervous stuttering that is your trademark. But there is nothing to be nervous about anymore, no reason to stutter when there is no emotion within you.</p>
<p>Kanaya gasps. Feferi shrieks. Sollux’s mouth drops open. Karkat begins shouting. Soon enough, everyone is talking at once. </p>
<p>
  <span class="karkat">WHAT THE FUCK?</span><br/>
<span class="kanaya">What? Why?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">O)(, Gog, Sollux, look, )(is lance, it’s covered in )(er blood!</span><br/>
<span class="sollux">2he’2 a god tiier, 2he’ll be fiine.</span><br/>
<span class="kanaya">I Know You, You Wouldn’t Hurt Her Without A Reason.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">And )(e’s not injured at all, it wasn’t even a fair fig)(t!</span><br/>
<span class="sollux">jegus, can everyone plea2e calm down?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">It’s obvious )(e attacked )(er!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?</span><br/>
<span class="kanaya">No, It Had To Have Been Self-Defense, Right?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">W)(y did you do it? W)(y did you kill )(er?</span><br/>
<span class="sollux">giive her fiive damn miinute2 two regenerate and you can a2k her your2elf.</span><br/>
<span class="kanaya">He’s Always So Passive, He Wouldn’t Just Attack Her!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!</span><br/>
<span class="sollux">ii2 no one lii2teniing two me at all?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">YOU MUST HAVE LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND!</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">Tavros, t)(is is unacceptable! Answer us!</span><br/>
<span class="sollux">you iidiiot2, iit’2 not liike 2he can diie permanently!</span><br/>
</p>
<p>You just stand there, your face still a complete emotionless mask, as they all barrage you with questions. Finally, you hold up your hand. Surprisingly, they all stop talking.</p>
<p><span class="tavros">sHE’S BEEN WORKING THIS ENTIRE TIME TO BUILD BEC NOIR UP BECAUSE SHE BELIEVED SHE WAS DESTINED TO KILL HIM HERSELF.<br/>
sHE WAS A DANGER TO ALL OF US.<br/>
aND SO i HAD TO STOP HER.<br/>
sHE DIDN’T BELIEVE i COULD.<br/>
eVEN TOLD ME SHE’D LET ME HAVE A FREE SHOT.<br/>
i PROVED HER WRONG.<br/>
aND SHE’S GONE FOR GOOD.<br/>
i WAITED.<br/>
iT WAS DETERMINED A JUST DEATH.</span><br/>
</p>
<p>This sets the four of them off again, and the words pass right through you without even being processed. Sollux and Feferi scramble out of the horn pile and soon enough, they’re all talking in a small huddle. You could probably listen in if you wanted to. You can’t bring yourself to try. You find yourself falling to a sitting position next to the bloody lance. You just stare at it. You did this. You killed her. You do not feel guilty for it, you cannot even find it within yourself to regret it, but is done all the same. Your name is Tavros Nitram, you are six sweeps old, and you have just killed one of your best friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sometimes I think about the fact that all of the trolls were thirteen years old during their session, and even after they escaped it and were trying to help the kids. Vriska, Gamzee, Eridan, all killed people at the age of thirteen, Vriska even before that with Aradia and all of the victims for her lusus. I know they were raised in a society where that's a lot more normalized, but still. They were kids, barely teenagers, and they were murdering each other. I don't know how to feel about that, and that was part of what I was trying to get across here. Tavros is a child raised in a society where violence is so ingrained in everyday life, and so no matter how pacifistic he usually is, when at his breaking point, his only answer as to how to stop Vriska was to kill her. Were there other, possibly better, solutions? Absolutely. Would this have been his first choice if he was in his right mind? Of course not. But upon having your entire worldview shattered, you to regress to base instincts. Because that's all you know.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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